Regression.

Sign.
Signify,
 Significance.
Sigh.

What is important?
What is importance?
It's what we give to something.
Whether it be a person.

A place.
A thing.
An idea.

Today I might think a pretty face might be the best thing in the world.  Tomorrow it could be a vast region of shady trees.  The next day it could be an idea to get a degree in a certain field.  And the next I might find significance in in a book. --Whatever it may be, it's always up to me.  And me alone for what is significant. 

...but some people try to find the objective significance.

By stating out loud:  "What's important in life is..."

But, rather, it should be "What's important in my life is..."

Today, I ask "What is important to me right now?" 

Rather than, "What will be important to me in the future?"

Right now is where I am.  I'm always here; always.  And I constantly ride a tide that's ever-shifting in color and behavior.  So, what then--is it telling me now?

...................................


I'm going to sleep. 

Go.

My heart feels so damn heavy. 

Because all I want to do is finish this music video.

When I'm filming or editing, everything seems to fade away.

I go hungry, but I do not hunger.

I grow tired, but I no longer need sleep.

I don't need to talk to anyone.

I don't need to go outside.

I don't need anything.

Except for what I'm doing.   What I'm creating.

And damn, if that's what love or passion is; I'd say that I just might have it.  

Damn, you don't know what it does to me. 

I want them to see what I see.

A Love Story With No Pages

So I was playing the electric guitar at her house ...and its funny.

It's funny because whenever I play in front of her, she looks at me differently.

Like...really differently.

She smiles. 
--Like the smile you try to hold back but can't help it smile-- 
And her eyes light up like I've never seen before. 

So I'm sitting there;

I'm playing the best solo I know--the scales are hot--the chords are flowing--the is amp giving 110%--and I start to feel her stare on me as I tread along the strings...

It's one thing playing to hear the music.  But it's completely different playing for someone else.


The music just sounds sweeter that way. 


I take a chance.
I look up to see her expression again.

--Like a loaded thief who stumbles back for more--


And the music halts to a gross stop. 


I fucked up.  


And she gets up from the couch and walks out of the room.

On the drive home, I smile to myself.

My thoughts entertain me with the possibilities...  and it's funny.

It's funny because as much as I'd love to play for her forever,
I'd hate to love someone like that.  

The List.

• Play the Drums
• Play Acoustic Guitar
• Play Electric Guitar
• Play the Piano
• Beat someone in a freestyle battle
• Work out 3 times a week
• Run a mile every weekend
• Read a book a day 
• Read my Mustang 2001 manuel
• Reread my Camera manuel
• Get into boxing
• Get paid for a legit photo shoot
• Get a 6 pack by spring
• Get into acting again
• Get a raise at my job
• Win a photography contest
• Win a writing contest
• Win a film contest
• Write a script
• Write a book
• Write an original song
• Write an original guitar solo
• Make a Music Video channel
• Make a Vlog channel
• Make a Skit channel
• Make a guitar cover channel
• Pick up drawing again
• Paint a painting
• Sketch still life
• Sketch a person
• Sketch a landscape
• Master Adobe After Effects
• Master Adobe Premiere Pro
• Master Adobe Photoshop
• Host an event
• Learn to Sing
• Learn to speak fluent French
• Learn how to "point cut" my hair
• Learn to cook
• Learn animation
• Learn everything about computers
• Learn everything about film
• Learn a choreography routine
• Learn how to break dance

This list has been floating chaotically in my mind for the past few years.

I think about the things I want to do...

Every.  Single.  Day.

I think I'll start with...

I Was Lying, to Be Honest.

I think Hell is a room where they sit you down in front of a screen; strap you in a chair, and make you watch all the horrible things you've ever done in your life. 

I think so because once I remember something that makes me feel guilty,

It's a pain that lingers for what feels like forever.

Just to know that I'll never be able to take the words I've said back.  And undo the things that I've done.

You can defeat the demons of present.

You can defeat the ever looming horrors of the future.

But you can never defeat what's past. 

...I can never seem to leave it at that.

By the way, by the way, whatever come by my way...

I have everything. 

I have my camera.  My lens.  My editor.  My effects.  My computer. 

Now it's time to say....

Fuck you.  To everything else.

And the rest will surely follow...but damn, French starts next week and I have an essay due tomorrow! 

The Mountain

I chuckle at the bleeding stone
That holds the red that was once my own
Yes, curious I cut my bone on rock

How curious it is to me
For these rocks to think them better than me
As the liquid drains from my red sea I thought:

"Inferior though you make me feel
As I'm but organic material
My animation feels sensation you do not

Inferior though you make me sound
As like you I'm stuck to ground
But I've seen faces and have been to places you cannot

And though the Mountain stands the highest
Than any man ever would
Can Mountains climb other Mountains
Like I could?

Then sit there while you drink my blood
As I'll be on my way
To higher mountains and higher cliffs
While you can only stay.

Time.

I hope that my condition lasts for as long as time is willing to tread me out.  Somber perspectives pervade my consciousness every single day; until the final burning candle of sunlight is blown out.  Sometimes I believe I'm only halfway there.  Sometimes I believe I say what I believe in.  But there's always that possibility of sitting and waiting.  Waiting and sitting.

They say that you'll never get anywhere so long as you do not decide where you'd rather be.

Maybe I'll find that somewhere.

But first I have to leave.