Film School, Maybe.

I am sitting in this swiveling chair, not knowing what to do with myself.

The clock has just struck 3:00AM and I can say for certain that I am officially sleep deprived.  I suppose that is what I get for going to bed at 8:30PM with the my would-be good intentions. 

I have been working on my Personal and Critical essay for film school for some time now.  I hope that I will finish it tomorrow or sooner than January.  I could probably start panicking right about now.  But I think it will be all right.  I'll be okay if I don't get accepted to the film school of my dreams.  I'll find my way into the business somehow.  Besides, I'll have 2 more years to mooch off of my parents and get some filming done locally.  I'll be able to work at my job and save up for more equipment and work on my own video shorts--all while living in the comfort of this house.

If I DO get in, it will be nothing short of amazing.  I am willing to work my butt off.  I'll pack up, and leave this town with a mindset of never returning.  Of course, I'll come back to visit some time or another.  But I will be officially leaving this life.  I'll be officially leaving this Temecula.  I'll be stepping into a dramatically new phase in my adulthood that will change me forever. 

It's a win-win deal for me.  It always is, and always will be.  Why? 

Because I make it that way. 

That's why. 

Decembe Rain (A Poem)

December Rain

Trickle tap pitter pat
Sad drops knock on the pane
While lying here my ears do drink
drops of December rain

That wet and sog the dying world
(At least this time of year)
Remember I the girl I met
Now all but gone from here

Spring had sprung and with it brung
Her voice held purely passion
Emotions young then quickly sung
The songs of new compassion

Between our talks among park walks
We bloomed with all around
And spoke the softest to each other
With love in every sound

Her Summer's heat had sparked my best
Her fire fed my flame
She fueled the furnace in this chest
My hungry heart grew tame

She lit my mind with paradise
And fanned my every move
We danced until our ashes glittered
Like stars and silver moons

Then Autumn yawned to sprinkle us
With bright-lit vivid leaves
As we vowed to far outlive
These dead and dying trees

The sickly yellow and bruise-reds
fell from the stalks and barks
As we lay beneath them
From dusk till after dark

By and by the days did die
And dimmer yet it seemed
Every night soon melted eve
And earlier we dreamed

Though Holidays had rung their bells
The cold had reached me first
I thought it time to speak my thoughts
Before my heart would burst

Three ribboned words had found their way
I spent the loaded phrase
Before my eyes she stood like ice
Followed words to suite her case

Confusion split to shatter ice
The thought I dared endure
By shards she sent when she had meant
I'm not enough for her

Then Winter woke and with it froze

all love within her face
Like bleeding ice she left behind
a morbid aftertaste

Know not I why from the time

Of winter did she leave
So solid had she changed her mind
I felt surely deceived

Now I'm back to hear the tap
And trickle from outside
Like the clouds these walls have swelled
where soggy thoughts confide

It's told love hurts but what a lie
It wasn't love at all
Love is not a impermanent
Like Winter, Spring, or Fall

Trickle tap pitter pat
Low drops lie on the pane
This time from behind the glass
as I make December rain

Epiphany of Time

The only way we can control the past and the future


Is through the present. 

There is a Special Place in Hell For Me

Beneath the thoughts that I have spoken
Under the expressions that I have chosen
Below the intent that I'm unfolding
There's a black door.

It holds a world unlike my own
With twisted faces and twisted tones
It holds my demon and all the screaming
In my head

When I lock myself inside
I find I'd love to sit and hide
This world is fun
And everyone will never die

But there's no space in this black room
For good or loving traits to bloom
I'm half convinced that I'm the prince
Of my own darkness

And when I come back out to smile
Having enjoyed each guilty while
I get the feeling that I'm dealing
My own death.

Don't Worry About It

There's a little rain on the sidewalk
Splashing out as I tread by
Thinking inside my head again
With ideas wrung out and dry

What I wouldn't give
For a girl on the same page
A girl who understands
Even this is just a phase

I'm looking out
By looking in
I'm breaking out
By breaking in

I feel in doubt
I'm feeling dim
I'm just about
To see again

I'm looking for the wrong things.
In all the wrong places.
I'm focusing on the wrong ideas.
And all the wrong faces.

She isn't here.  Not by any means.

She's strung along, along my dreams.

I just have to follow them, and I'll be safe.

I'll follow my heart

and it'll fall into place.

Love = Hate

Why? 

Love can lead to desperation.

Desperation is confusion is frustration is anger is hate. 

Bye. 

Good Year.

We wait
We change
We think
We dream


We lose
We cry
We want to scream


We run
We flee
We trip
We fall

We stand
We hold
All through it all

We breathe
We watch
We drive
We go

We stop
We sleep
That's all we know

I say it now. 
I say again
The words follow
The words my friend


Good morning.
Good night.
Good evening.
Good morrow.

Good day.
Good bye.
I'll see you
Tomorrow

Friday Friday!

Today went pretty well.

I got up early at around 5AM.  I was in the middle of a good dream, too--but the heavy alarm warned me that my history final was today.

The test lasted for 3 entire hours--and I used every minute of it to write three essays on 15th and 19th industrialism, global trade, and English expansion.  It was grueling to Kid Will, but on the inside, I knew I loved it.  I love being able to apply my knowledge to concrete conclusions and big-picture connections.  There's no high school bullshit questions such as:  "Why do I care about this?  Why does it matter?"  I'm already trying to answer those questions on the damn essay prompt!  And I do!  I understand why it matters.

I understand now that those religious wars of the 17th century, that I thought were so pointless and stupid, eventually led to secularization--a push toward separation of church and state which allowed countries to focus on more important things such as the arts and the sciences.

I understand now that industrialization required the fuel of raw materials that were supplied by cheap labor and slavery.

I understand that the industrialization provided countries with the power to dominate and subject foreign lands through imperialistic manifestations--but ultimately that industrialization served to unite the world under trade and global network connections.

It's always connected.  And I learned much through the 10 weeks of that history class.

After I was out of the final, I felt a weight off of my shoulders--but I didn't feel victorious or anything.  I read a passage from The Art of War that states something like:

Do not look for victory after battle.  You will only find defeat.  Instead, look forward to the next battle.

I suppose it makes sense.  I have to start sending in my supplementary application materials (my personal essays, creative writing samples, short films, photographs) to Cal State Long Beach and UCLA.  Oh boy.  Here we go again.

But they're basically my ticket out of here so here goes nothing!

When I got home I ate a little bit, played the guitar, and felt like filming so I grabbed my gear and drove over to Stephens house--but we didn't film anything because I kept getting distracted!

I met his friend Brittany, the girl who helped Megan get fired, (but that's Megan's fault) and she seemed nice.

Afterward, we went to feel some nostalgia by exploring the innards of the mall and met with Mae and some of Stephens other friends.

We left the mall and went to Joey's house.  Stephen and I were both getting kinda hungry when Joey started eating chips and salsa.  Joey's mother started to say something about how hosts should always offer their guests food and Joey responded with something like:  "We're white.  we don't offer our guests food.  only drinks."  I would have laughed harder if it wasn't for the fact Joey was dead serious.  He can be an odd motherfucker.

Stephen and I left around 930ish and we talked awhile in the car.  I started reflecting about how it was so hard to find "real" people here in this small town while he related about his problems with his cousin.  It was overall a very productive conversation, as it always is.

 And then I thought of the girl with brilliant green eyes again.  And shook my head thinking: it's a damn shame.

I'd love to go into detail,

But just the same,

I wouldn't.

Funniest moment of the day:  Seeing Jack Strut(s) walk past us at the mall.  He got fat. 

The Center of Attention

Standing on a stage.

Everyone is looking at me.

It's dead quiet.

I have thousands of words from the English language to choose from.

I can arrange and rearrange them in millions of ways.

I can utter sound patterns and inspire as well as entertain.

With a smile on my face, I confidently speak the words that come naturally.

There is no second thought.  There is no anxious feeling of inferiority or any fear of failure.

Without hesitating, I speak the words as they find me. 

And that trust in myself is rewarded with a roomful of laughter and applause.

Improvisation.  Performing.

If there is any reason to live in this life, it is for performing.

To convey any form of message, you must trust your ability and immerse in your own sincerity.

Otherwise your message will fall flat, and nobody will take you seriously.

But if you can find it in yourself to grab hold of all that is real, meaningful, and trust that voice...

You will find the most amazing things a human being can find. 

Fact #1.

Control your thoughts.
Control your destiny. 

5 Hours of Sleep

It's a great feeling to know that you're all you need.

Being perfectly happy with just yourself.

No absolute need for friends.  Or family.  Or significant others.

Not narcissism.  Not even a vow to loneliness. 

Just a secure feeling of weight at the center of yourself.

Self-reliance?