A Rather Productive Sunday

Today I decided to change my approach to things.

I wrote down what I wanted to accomplish and set a deadline for myself.  I labeled the heading of a notebook paper: "Quest Log" and wrote: 

• "Complete 2 sections of math before noon."  

I then folded the piece of paper up, put it in my pocket--and went through my daily routine of fixing myself scrambled eggs and toast. 

Something changed in my head. 


Something was definitely different as I started cooking myself breakfast.  I was actually thinking about homework and how much I wanted to get started on it to finish it in time.  At this point I realized that as long as I set a goal for myself--a visually attainable concept--all I had to do was follow the arrows to the best of my ability. 

Fastforward to noon--I got it all done.  It was pretty damn incredible because I forgot what it was like to really sit down and just do work.  It was very satisfying.  The truth is, I haven't been trying at all in school.  I haven't really been working.  I haven't really been living my life to the best of my ability and I feel as if a drastic change is called for.  I'm going to change.  I'm going to write down what I need to get done.  I'm going to start setting "Quests" in my log and actually visualize what needs to happen.

I need to start living.

I need to start being.

I need to start now. 

Closed Off.

I have hereby rendered this blog private. 

I have blocked my followers. 

I hope I may now speak the words that have long been waiting to be spoken. 

Tumblr .

Not Really. 

Hold On. I Have It!

We race
to the death of our lives
We race
for the thrill
We race
in spite of ourselves
We race
to Kill
The time off our hands
to Kill
The pity
to Kill
The feelings we don't want
to Kill
This City
is draining our reserves
This City
is dull
This City
is waiting for you now
This City
is....

Damn. 

I lost it this time. 

A Muse(d)

I love that smile that I see
When she's staring straight at me
Oh God that symmetry
Could leave me dead

But as I lean to turn my head
I meet these eyes I've never met
They don't smile but for a while
They speak to me

It's at that moment that I know
That past the looks and all the show
There's nothing prettier to me
More than thought

Quick (Real)ization

Some people have "pretty" in their genes. 

In the grand scheme of things...

I think it hurts more than it helps. 

I think I'd lose a lot of personality too if I was really good looking.  Who needs the hassle of building character when you've got looks to carry you?  We are social creatures after all; if the judgement of our peers bears overwhelming approval as it is, based on our "beauty," what more is there?  And that seems shallow of me.  Even stupid, you might say.  It is stupid.  It's all so very very stupid. 

Which is why I sometimes want to take life and punch it in the face. 

Pretty empty heads
--like frozen flower beds--
are as pretty as they are dead 

On the other hand, it's incredibly poetic. 

Oh life, how poetic you are. 


Still.

Nothing is beautiful about someone whose salient characteristic is based on what their DNA gave them.  No, that's called luck.  There's no value in luck.  Not in my book. 

In the past few days--I've realized something.  They're not all the same.  Females aren't all just different individuals.  --No, that's a lie every nice guy believes. 

 That's why I think I might categorize the female sex as: 

• Chicks
• Girls
• Women
• People

The Chicks are the girls who are easily seduced, easily angered, easily made upset, and easily the most bland type of female there is.  "Let's pick up Chicks." 

The Girls can be on either end of the innocent-devlish spectrum; the distinction is in their mannerism and the current course they're on.  I've had a relationship with a girl--she liked to write romance and cook orange chicken.  "She's a nice girl."  

The Women are the ones with maturity, prestige, maybe even a decent amount of smarts.  However, I see this very label as a stereotype as well--though not nearly as bad as "Chicks."  Women can be down right crazy.  But they're a great catch compared to the above.  "Damn.  Women." 

Finally, the Person.  The person doesn't fall into any of the above categories because they simply don't seem to fit the label.  You don't think of her as a Chick, or really just a Girl, or a Woman.  You see her for her genuine personality.  I think the key here is that PEOPLE are real.  PEOPLE come to mind when I think about hope, good, intelligence, overall positivity.  When I think of partner-for-life, I don't think of a chick or a woman or a girl.  I think about a person.  This makes perfect sense to me in my world; you may not see the lines I've drawn around these words but I think it fits well from my experience. 

It's funny because I was just thinking, one day, about how I haven't met a lot girls around here who just seemed real.  Tonight, my father tried to explain to me something (about a different topic) and asked me this: 

"Where do you go to find pumpkins, son?"
"...the pumpkin patch."
"That's right.  The pumpkin patch." 

Of course.  That's why. 


I have to keep reminding myself that this is a fucking desert.  (But where is the pumpkin patch?  I'd bet bunnies it's somewhere near San Francisco.)

Anyway, back to my original thesis: 

Pretty genes can make an ugly personality. 

Especially here.

In Temecula. 

NEW BLOG: Book Devourer

My step toward my goal: 

Reading a book a week. 

http://devouringpages.blogspot.com/

Utter Nonesense.

Taking back all that I've said
To let the dead bury the dead
Wash away all the worries
And the pain

I want to give you all my memories
I want to give so I'll forget
I want to shoot down all my reasons
To regret

--------------------------------------------



There they are, Love and War
Red on red, they embrace
Standing alone, over that sunset of fire

I catch ashes on passing wind
And wonder where they've been

I make for the direction of beams


Watching now, hidden behind eaves
I'm watching the war as I please
Safe from death, behind the trees

----------------------------------------------------------------

Self Address

Today I woke up after the sun again.  She's really beating me lately.

I've been wrestling with my Creative Writing film treatment for over a week.  Writing is more of a difficult process than I've anticipated.  Sometimes I would be so frustrated I would literally sit in front of a blank screen for what seemed like an hour, just thinking what to write.  Playing different scenes in my head. 


The drug lord comes out at Adrian, with a gun in hand.

Scratch that.

Adrian meets up with the drug lord, trying to find common ground.

That doesn't make sense.

Adrian calls the cops on---

No! Our hero isn't a coward!


Fuck Dammit.

Sometimes it would get so hopeless I would sit there and close my eyes, waiting for sleep to take me.  --Sometimes it did.  I would take "breaks" to play my guitar.  I would take "breaks" to eat something.  I would take "breaks" to go on facebook.  By far, this has probably been the most frustrating experience of the year.  (Get it?  The year just started bitches!)

But...it has also turned into something quite phenomenal.  I never expected I could come up with a plot to a story before.  I never guessed that I could have so many ideas for a character that just work.  I never foresaw how my ideas could just connect in such a brilliant fashion.  I'm excited to work on this story.  I'm excited to see it develop.  Right now it's undergoing minor editing.  It's nothing too fantastic, but it's not horrible, I think.  I think it's not bad.  Which is more than I could have ever asked for since beginning it in draft.

I've recently purchased three books on Amazon.com.  Stephen King's On Writing, It, and The Last Stand.

I really want to start reading a lot more.  This year I want to read at least a book a week.  I'm so tired of the same old excuse:  "I don't have the time, I'm too busy."  Shit, I'm a full time student with a part-time job.  I can make more time.  I'm fucking God of my own life, if I want something I can make it happen.  I can learn a song a week and upload covers frequently on youtube now.  I have my HD camera, my $300 recording device, my $100 guitar, my $500 amplifier, and my $3,000 computer to edit footage, giving it the sound and look I want.   I made this happen myself.  I saved up and I gave my future self the opportunities by making the necessary sacrifices and putting in the hard work. 
 
I'm not even 20 yet.  I still  have time to pull ahead.  Books in que:

On Writing
It
The Last Stand
Night
The Giver
Catch 22
Hunger Games
Fahrenheit 451
Seeing Red
The Jungle
Wealth of Nation
Common Sense

I'm going to make a promise to myself that I'm going to get this done.  Once I cash in my next paycheck, I'm going to purchase a Rode Microphone and a boom, and finally film the skits that I have saved in my phone.  This is going to be fucking awesome.

I realize that I just love being alive for the prospect of being able to build who I am.  To build my own talents.  To create my own idea of a perfect personality, a good character, and an overall balanced, intelligent, and well rounded human being. 

I was watching a video of Steve Jobs's  address to a graduating Stanford class.  His words stay with me now:  "Death is life's greatest invention.  One day we will get old and life will do away with us, to let new life grow."

The fact that I am going to die justifies any endeavor I will take.
The fact that one day I'm going to rot in the ground is enough reason for me to choose this way I live.

Yes I'm going to die.  This blog will be a forgotten remnant of a long-gone server.  These words will be erased along with the sands of time just like every other soul who has lived on this planet.

But hell, I'm going to have a lot of fun while I'm here.  I'm going to see exactly to what extent a human being can reach perfection.

I once read somewhere that the fact we can envision having superior qualities and characteristics, is precisely the reason why we can attain them. 

Ever since I read that I've always kept my eye on the goal.  I think that's one of the only things that keep me going at this pace I'm at right now.  That, and the fact that I wish I could meet someone more like me.  But somehow, the fact that I want to meet someone like me makes me want to increase my value further.

 In a weird way, I see myself as the person I want to meet--so in turn, I try to make myself as spectacular as possible.  It makes sense in a way because I like to watch myself in third person, pretending I am someone else.  I always find myself wanting to change people.  "This person needs a little more patience, this person just needs to run and they would look so good!  If only this person read more, they would be so interesting and smart!  This person just needs to have an open mind.  This person should play an instrument.  This person should go out and be more outgoing!"  I guess in the end, I am forming myself based on what I want to see in other people.  Yes!  That's exactly right--I have it figured out.  I want to be...what I want to see?  I want to be...who I want to meet?  Perhaps.  My mind has warped the concept way out of proportion.  One thing is for certain though.  However twisted it seems, it's working for me.  I have proof!

I taught myself how to play the guitar, acoustic and electric because I love musical people. 
I attend a university with a GPA of 3.9, I love intelligent people. 
I taught myself how to draw realistic sketches of people--I love artists. 
I forced myself into the drama scene to increase my confidence, I love confident and funny people. 
I got a job and bought my very own filming equipment--I love independent individuals who actively seek out their dreams. 
I taught myself all I know about photography--I love self-motivating people who can figure things out for themselves. 
I run 4 times a week and strength train 3 times a week to achieve a better body--I love fit people who have the discipline to stay healthy and strong. 
I write poems and creatively write often--I love individuals who express themselves. 
I actively look for the best in people and try to maintain a cordial personality--I love people who do/are the same. 

And now I just need to read and write more--that's the goal this year.  That's what I want to see.  I want to see someone who is well read and has many interesting ideas.  I want to see someone who is a good writer, who can express their ideas.  I want to see someone who has an amazing imagination.

And I'm going to make that person. 

I've developed a new theory about the soul and the body.  I think the soul is meant to train the body the best it can.  In essence, I'm trying to train Kid to become the best of what I can envision.  I don't know why.  I just want to.  I just want him to be worth something.  I want him to be something of value.  And I think that is the fun I enjoy most--watching him grow. 

Or maybe I'm just a narcissistic piece of shit.

Whatever the case, it hardly matters.

Level up, here I come. 

Used Up

Looking back at my foot steps,

I see how small and misdirected they are.

The sights and sounds that echoed around were so full of life and fantasy.

I really felt like I loved someone.

Haha.

Now I need a new muse.