Saw Sam today at work.
No, of course we didn't exchange any glances or any greetings; it's still on a
"I kind of...yea, I don't really want much to do with you" kind of basis.
It's weird how I could spot her from a mile away, just by the way she walks.
It's interesting to think about how much you can know about a person. I knew her dreams, her tendencies, her motives, her fears, her insecurities, her thoughts, her body. All in those 6 wonderful months of finally knowing what it was like to be in an awesome relationship. Where everyday you woke up and you just thought about one person and it just made you feel light inside because you know damn well they're thinking about you too.
I was a different person back then.
I remember the way my heart jumped whenever I heard my phone's text message ringtone. I remember how my mind swam in thoughts and possibilities every single day. I was drenched in emotion; and it was a true experience that changed me. I was finally able to do all those little cute things good boyfriends are suppose to do.
I made her notes everyday.
The deepest thoughts I've ever written were in the poetry I would give her every week.
I drew comics with us as the stars, and how we would overcome the odd and the evil.
I remember times where we'd cook orange chicken and write little short stories.
I experienced what it felt like giving a girl flowers; asking someone to a dance romantically, just going up to give random hugs and kisses, holding their hand wherever you went, buying them little gifts and all that mushy stuff.
I learned how to kiss like a human being and not like a slobbery dog.
I felt more like a man because I could say a silly phrase like "Oh yea, I'm going to spend time with my girlfriend."
Those were the days where everything meant so much to me. Where my life literally revolved around one person.
I remember the moment I first saw her sitting on a bench at lunch, and thought to myself "Wow, never seen this girl before." And how I literally went "Okay Universe, I want you to give me a chance on this one, because I really want to make it happen."
And look what happened, skinny insecure William got his damn first girlfriend ever.
I remember trembling and stuttering the first time I gave her this little card I made that intended to cheer her up because "her last boyfriend was a douche." I remember how my heart felt like it was going to explode and burst out of my chest when I asked her to be my girlfriend.
I remember the shocking reality when I realized that it's okay to like someone, and let them know about it.
If High School taught me anything at all, it was in the social progression I made during those 4 years. From a frightened freshman, to an insecure sophomore, to a nervous junior, and finally to a semi-confident senior. I can't thank the damn system enough for disguising this truly amazing social bubble of teaching as a prison for "academic success."
Of course, I don't feel the same way about Sam now. It's all changed. I fell out of love. And I'll be sure to never abuse that four letter word ever again for as long as I live.
But that isn't to say just because I don't feel the same way, doesn't mean I don't appreciate what we experienced together, and how I've matured in so many ways because of it.
I can still vaguely feel the warm heart of that memory, stored in stone in the back of my mind. I see it; but I can no longer truly feel it. But it is now that those experiences have settled in; to a solidified frame, that I may use it as a step further to becoming a more mature adult.
Experience truly does yield confidence.
And despite that it was "just" a 6 month junior year high school relationship,
It has helped shape me into the more mature person I am today.
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