This girl is swimming through my mind all the time. I'm trying to get a grip. But I honestly can't let go of what's in front of me. I'm holding onto my dreams. I've been dreaming about her nearly every night for the past month. Even when I fall asleep during class I dream about her too. But it's not driving me so crazy anymore. I'm starting to accept it. I'm starting to get used to it. I keep thinking about her face. And her eyes. Her eyes--how they glow and make reality seem so drab. She makes the world look like it's painted black and white.
But what makes attraction? Is it genetics? Is it culturally influenced? It drives me nuts thinking about it. Is there an off switch somewhere? Is there a way to manipulate the way I see human beings? Is there a way to manipulate attraction? Maybe if I were attracted to artificially "less attractive" girls then I'd be far better. Or maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I think attraction is entirely based on just who might be right for you. as in:
X is attracted to Y because they are compatible.
G is attracted to C because they go well together.
8 is not attracted to F because that's just fking wrong.
I mean--I suppose it makes sense...doesn't it? Aren't I suppose to be attracted to people I would theoretically go well with? As opposed to being attracted to people who I wouldn't get along with in a relationship very well?
The entire theory is mystifying. But maybe it comes down to biology after all. The whole "girls go for jerks" makes sense to me because "jerks" exert a wild sense of unpredictability and confidence which are largely traits of high testosterone and thus masculinity.
The Chemistry is simple, estrogen is attracted to masculinity and vice versa.
Therefore, guys will go for the "girly girls" because, essentially, they demonstrate characteristics of high estrogen.
But would this mean that I essentially have no control over who I am attracted to?
I suppose on the surface, this is true. Kid Will is my brain. My brain operates on the function of DNA, biology, and basic chemistry and physics. Being human is naturally a part of that.
But I suppose my soul operates on a second level--just Will. My soul looks for the personality--the other person's soul which would obviously include anything from intelligence and compassion to humor and ambition.
Perhaps I need to appease both Kid Will and Will.
When I first see somebody, I see them with my brain. I see them based on looks. Once that attraction is resolved (Once Kid Will is happy) I can get to know them---and move on to:
Seeing them with my soul or, in other words, getting to know them. (Making Will happy)
It seems obvious to me that this process would be a lot simpler if my soul could simply look into other people's souls and we wouldn't have to delve into the whole "looks-based" attraction.
But then again, I could love someone's personality to death--but if I'm not physically attracted to them then I just can't say I'm attracted to them.
It's just the way it works.
However....
However, however however....
It's obvious to me that no matter what a guy looks like--he can get any girl he wants to. Whether she is a drop-dead super model or just a plain pretty girl. Why is this?
For girls, the guy's personality makes up for his looks. That's a fact.
But for guys, the girl's looks hold, generally, more weight than personality. That's a fact.
But would this indicate that girls perceive, in larger part, more on their second and higher level (souls) of being when choosing someone compatible--and, as a corollary, guys operate on their lower levels (brains) on attraction?
Maybe....
But then again!--maybe not! Isn't Ying suppose to be more attracted to Yang? And vice versa? It seems to me that usually, on average, guys tend to have more of a personality--based on reason and logic--while girls seemed to be based on body as well as parts of being compassionate and kind.
On the flip side, guys aren't as attracted to solid personalities, and girls aren't as attracted to the body.
Holy shit. Opposites attract after all..
That is not to say that girls have no brains at all. Good looking guys who take care of themselves possess little effeminate traits while girls who come off more strongly on their personalities seem to carry more masculine traits.
Perhaps the guy who is a little more effeminate is more attracted to the girl who seems a little more masculine. (Speaking, of course, in the smallest degrees of what we culturally understand as feminine and masculine traits---I.E perhaps really good hygiene, good hair, and a well dressed guy might seem more girl-like whereas a girl who is outspoken, leader-like, and somewhat crude might seem more guy-like.)
Maybe then, I am gay.
I like girls who demonstrate guyish qualities--(culturally speaking--intelligence, great humor, astounding independence, great ambition). (Will)
But I like the girly-girl type who elicit very feminine traits (Kid Will)
So maybe I want a girl who acts like a girl but thinks like a guy.
So....there's this girl that's swimming through Kid Will's mind. Yea, Kid Will fell in love with a Kid. But Will is shaking his head, unsatisfied. Maybe that's why I think about this girl so much. Kid Will has gone completely crazy over her looks. He thinks she's the most beautiful thing God could have ever created. But yet, here I am--an ambivalent 'Will' who looks for the 2nd level, but can find none. At least not now. Maybe I'm not crazy after all. Maybe Kid Will is convinced he has found someone so firmly, that Will is starting to believe it--and in turn has started to create a false 2nd level persona of the girl purely on the basis of hoping that he too might achieve such a wonderful conviction.
Maybe that is what my infatuations are.
Maybe my infatuation is based on Kid Will being satisfied but Will being unsatisfied--and through this discontentment of either imperfect knowledge or denial, Will starts to fill in perfect qualities for unknowns and begins to paint his own picture of the perfect human being.
Will is always trying to justify ways to keep Kid Will happy.
But in doing so, I feel unbalanced because one is clearly not happy.
Damn. I had no idea I was going to write all of this tonight and make this realization. I feel like my eyes are being opened.
The brain and soul are two interesting things.
Maybe life is all about learning to connect the two. Maybe that's what happiness is....
But I'll save that exploration for another night.
In short:
Damn, this girl is pretty. But how is her personality?
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