Steamed .

I'm a jealous fucking human being right now.

No doubt about it.

Filter and weed out reason, intellect, logistics, and stream out pure emotion--

you have a 18 year old kid who is as angry and envious as he has ever been.

But why? Why can't I be him? Why can't I just be so fucking successful at everything I touch? Why can't I control everything the way he seems to control everything? And when human beings compare someone whom they deem greater than themselves--they not only overvalue that someone--but they inevitably devalue themselves.

That's what is it.

It isn't "Oh he's a bastard because he thinks he has it all."

It's "That guy makes me feel like a goddamn shmuck. A loser. A nobody."

That's what it really is when you cut all the bullshit and stream pure emotion. It's in that very context that we feel threatened--that maybe our place and our personality as we know it is flawed--and that will generate enough negativity to spur self-destructive thinking. That's exactly how it feels. That's how I think it is.

But I fucking hate emotions.
They're so goddamn useless most of the time.

But I suppose that's the brilliant part of being a human being. Balancing yourself. That's what self discipline is. That's what it's all about. It's not about being happy and outgoing when everything is working out for you. It's about being that way when the world looks like shit. When you've broken a limb. When you've lost a loved one. When you think you're so damn low you think that you just might melt into the nothingness you feel yourself to be.

But as much as my emotions will strike viciously at the facts, bend against my own good intentions and lash out at me for exposing them to such controversy; it has to be necessary.

I guess...that's what being a soft skinned humanoid means. That although it's not going my way. That I'm jealous over my fucking head; it's going to be okay. A good proverb I remembered was

"Rejoice and share their success." Be happy for another human being who has found his place. Who knows what he's doing. Who's on the right path. The only reason to feel jealousy would only point to the sin of selfishness. That must be it. I'm a selfish human being--that's what jealousy is--isn't it?

Nice car Tim.

Nice clothes Joey.

Fuck them both.

Isn't that an instance of selfishness?
When one could only think about himself?

I get it now.

I'm still thinking about me.

Thank God I have fingers to type with.

...now to empty these bad feelings.