Nothing in Particular

"Sometimes I feel there's nothing to live for, I just want to be down and cry."

Eminem's lyrics reached my ears through my headphones one dark drive back to Temecula. 

Thinking "Yea, sometimes I feel that way too."  Sometimes I would stay up late at night as a child and experience what I can only describe as "desperation hour."  I was only able to feel this in the very early morning hours right after midnight; it made me feel that there was nothing to live for.  Everytime I stayed up late enough to experience it, I always wondered "Why am I alive?"  "Why is anyone alive?"  "What's is our purpose?"  "What's the point?"

Now that my perspective lens has hardened and filters out most of the things I used to embrace fully as a child, I no longer feel that way.  Not really ever, except in rare instances.  The trouble in my case is that I feel that there's so much to do, it's hardly worth starting.  I want to do so many different things--but I'm left in a jumbled mess to sort out filled with hidden priorities.  It's a junk yard, really. 

I'm not sure where I thought I was headed with this blog, but then again--I really only do this for me.  I'm trying to solve my problems by stretching them out and analyzing their roots.  I talk to myself a lot when I'm experiencing problems.  I find that I usually know all the answers; I just have to ask the right questions to become aware of them. 

I slept at 4AM this morning--which is very very unlike me.  I hate waking up after the sun.  It makes me feel beat.  To wake up in a hot room, dazed, lethargic, and feeling  hopeless.  Well, I'm working 30+ hours this week (which is full time basically) so I'm sure my sleep will get back on schedule; I close shop on most of those days. 

It's hot. 
I think I'll workout soon.
I think I....

Damn, it's hot.