What's The Matter, Kid?

I think I could kill myself.

Whatever I am.

Not in the literal sense.  That wouldn't do much.   But...

I don't know.

But I always feel so alone here sometimes.

I wish I could go out more and do the things I'd love to do.

People say we have souls.  But they never really talk about the brain and it's wants and desires.  Sometimes my soul feels like a hindrance.  It wants so many things from me.  It wants me to be the best living thing I could possible be.  It wants me to be understanding.  It wants me to sympathize with it.  But what about what I want?  I could give less of a shit about good grades.  Or going to the naval academy.  I want to get high and party like everyone else my age.  I want to have fun.  I want to embrace life for its moments.  We live.  We die.  It's a bitch.  It really is.  But like a nagging echo, I feel this voice in me that will never let me live my desires down.  I cannot indulge in what I feel would make me happy.  I cannot face this...thing that lives within me. 

Sometimes I can't tell who's talking anymore. 

Like I said pages back in this blog, he used to call me "Kid." 

But lately I've been in the back sleeping.  I haven't come out in awhile--it gets lonely in my head sometimes.  What am I?  Do I represent repressed primitive desire?  Do I represent a fucked up childhood experience?  Do I represent stifled anguish?  Do I symbolize evil?

If my soul represents the greatest good inside me,

Then surely I must be evil. 

But I have the body.  I have the brain.  I have the tools to manipulate this world to my liking.  Well...its liking. 

It needs me.  But do I need it? 

Do I need a soul?--Or whatever the fuck you call this thing that tells you right from wrong?  That tells you to reach higher?  That tells you that indulging in bodily sensations is an inferior pursuit in the face of what greater heights man can achieve? 

I don't know.

I just know that it gets lonely in here sometimes...