Virtue Asked Me Where I Buried His Hand

I've got a lot on my mind these days, it's amazing to hear people say

"I wonder what I'll do today..."

because I definitely don't have to stray too far to think of what should get done.

• Research UCR, College and career paths, sign up for summer classes and learn about orientation

• Memorize all of my Victorian-dialect lines for Performing Arts English scene...
• Block (plan out movements) for the scene because no one else wants to do it...

• Establish plans for light cues for the school play...as I'm in charge of lighting now, and this week is their Hell Week (rehearsal until 6:30ish)

• Get excited for Disney Grad Night, Prom, the last Improv Show, the play, and Graduation

That's right I have to plan to get excited before I can be excited. Isn't it just the worse thing in the world to be me? *Dramatic sigh with back of hand on temple leaning back*

Things have been going real well.

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Today I realized that I'm a total loner in Dance class. Isn't that a marvelous discovery!? It hits me as we're all just sitting around and stretching and I realize that I'm one of the three loner kids not in those chatty groups.

"Then why don't you quit being a loner Will Kid?"

Because silly bitch, it's just the way it is.

It's one of the classes where you just don't really mesh with anyone. Especially groups.

Don't get me wrong; I could feign interest all day talking to people in the class but I mean I just don't have a buddy or a real friend there.

It grows quite boring at times and disturbing when I think about this, but then again--my brain will make up excuses and spur on day dreams to keep my conscious busy. I love my brain.

"That's what you get for taking Beginning Dance, fucker."

But then again, it's been that way ever since I moved here.

I used to tag along like some kind of desperate stray dog to the Asian Dancers, my freshman year. I wanted to break dance. I wanted to be a badass. Just like them. Oh what marvelous feats I could have overcame in the wasted hours I spent with them.

I used to hang out with ROTC kids. (After a day I realized they were fuck-offs so no wasted time)

And then of course, the Drama scene. Sure, it's fun doing improv. with those guys and doing plays but when it comes down to it...

I feel like something is missing--to the point where I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong.

"Holy Emo-Kid shit Will, what are you--some kind of fake? Some kind of poser trying to fit in?"

AH HA! But you see-- that's exactly what you're missing you cow eating bristle fuck!

I am a poser.

Since the 5th grade scene I've had an alternate image that I've been trying to obtain, to become something I can be proud of---to be perfectly comfortable with being in my own shoes. That is just who I am, someone perpetually trying to become that person in my head. He's always been there; he talks, he rattles, he gives me advice, but I'm slowly starting to cut the distance between this figure and myself--maybe it's a symbolic gesture of maturity. Maybe it's me trying to grow up. Or maybe I'm a two-faced sociopath in need of medical attention--but whatever it is--I'm trying to be him. It's him when I wear those poser finger-cut-off Tokyo Hotel gloves. It's him when I cut my hair and spike it up to look obnoxious and edgy. It's him when I put on skinny jeans and tight shirts because culture has saturated his influence.

But whatever the case may be; I feel like it's the real me when he's out.

And when he takes over, I'll gladly rest because he knows what he's doing,

and that's when life will really begin.

There's just someone he needs to end first.