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Thursday, May 6, 2010

One Step Closer To Death


Tik tok on the imaginary clock.

Where time never existed, everyone is already dead, and I'm pretty damn sure the kids are tucked in.

But let's throw away the semantics of the usual bullshit because I'm finally leaving my childhood behind! Now, I can no longer hide immaturity behind an age. But I can still say that the bullshit I cover is a product of genuine boredom (which inexorably remains still a lie). All in all, nothing is going to change except the fact that I can now finally order Floam (yes, that pudgy green shit you see being suggestively squeezed and molded on TV) via phone.

Ah yes, the Birthday. Where narcissism and being self-centered is not only called for, but widely encouraged! It is the celebration of the fact that I came out of my mother's vagina. Ah, that was the glorious day. I was bald. Bloody. Fat. (yes, I was a fat baby, in fact my parents call me "Choug" which means fat in another language at home--i'm so used to it, it's weird if they call me Will) But the thing is, according to my parents, when I was born I didn't cry.

I wonder why.

How the fuck can you be born and not cry Will Kid?

That's exactly what I asked my parents when I discovered this! I guess I was born ready--and that's what I always say when those repetitive bitches ask me "are you ready!?" My parents told me that as I was being carried moments from my escape, I proceeded to stare at everyone around the room. Although, maybe it's not too strange considering that I am indeed a strange child. After all, I didn't learn to read until the Third Grade.
Bullshit?

I know right? I actually recall a scene in my living room where, with a 3rd grade English textbook, my mother was trying to teach me how to read a story by Beverly Clearly. I think I was stuck on the word "thought" or something--but I can't say for sure because without warning, I vehemently hurled the textbook across the room and screamed as I ran upstairs to my room "IIII HAAAAATE REEEEAAAADDIIIINGG!!!!!!"

I was a damn good door slammer back in those days.

But Will Kid, if you're in actuality part mentally retarded, how is it that you seem fine now?

"Seem," is the key word Binglebee.

Well anyway....

I guess I'm turning 18. Dammit.

I never want to get old.
I want do to everything while I'm young.

I love being young.
I love being healthy.
I love being in school.

And by the time I wake up from this delicious dream, I'll be old. Bald. Fat. (Again) and in a retirement home.

Telling my grand children to shut the fuck up because Grand Daddy kicked ass when he was their age.

Will Kid, you've gotta learn to get your fucking head out of the future and live in the present.

You're right.

But you'll be dead before you realize just how right we both are, in the end.









1 comment:

  1. Excuse me, sir, but old people are pretty damn phenomenal. You just can't get that intense milky-eyed gaze from anyone else. And that acrid smell of formaldehyde masked with floral scented incontinence diapers only furthers that age old awesome atmosphere.
    And best of all, old people have an unlimited supply of butterscotch candy pieces, which is a shitty candy by the way, but with that kind of power united, world hunger could be resolved.

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